Enlightened Glowyness
by Ktrenal
Summary: Rated PG-13 for language. A Reno-POV at a point a few days after the events of the game.


I have a problem. It's really, on the whole, quite a serious one. It's enough of a problem that in comparison, the headache is something of a moot point. And considering I think something large and metallic hit me on the head somewhere during the destruction, disregarding it seems a bit silly. I could have a concussion or anything. But I'm not bleeding, and I'm not seeing spots in front of my eyes anymore, so I can deal.

I'm a bit bruised too, but I can deal with that too. I've had worse injuries. No, seriously, there are worse things than having a whole city dropping on your head. Not many things, admittedly, but I'd say that massive fucking butcher knife of Strife's probably rates up there somewhere. I'm gonna have scars for life from some of the things he's done to me.

Damn. Can't concentrate at the moment. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought. What do I remember? We were trying to get out of Midgar, seeing as the whole place was hovering near complete collapse. We were already in the sewers, so I guess we were shielded from the worst of the destruction, which is probably why we didn't die.

Well, I say we. I'm having to assume, at the moment, that my colleagues are out there somewhere. Things got a bit chaotic down there, and we were separated. It probably didn't help that the whole place was coming down around our ears. It's about here that my memory's getting rather hazy actually. All I know is that at the moment, I'm alone.

I hate being alone. I really do. It's the one time that my mind catches up with me, if you know what I mean? I find myself thinking about stuff way too much when I'm on my own. I guess I'm far too social for my own good. I have a lot of things I'd rather not think about in too much detail really. This is going to be a problem. See, I'm doing it already. I'm thinking where I should be acting.

Alright, so I'm just going to go search through the rubble that remains of Midgar and see if I can find anything. Seriously, anything. Rude and Elena would be favourite right now, but any familiar face is also acceptable. Maybe I can even find the pile of rubble that's going to be what's left of my home. I had a really nice appartment you know. And a really nice car. I liked my car. It was black, and sleek, and cool.

This really isn't the time to be getting distracted. Really, it's not. I can't help it. This whole situation is getting to me, and I hate to admit that. Yeah, I mean, this is me right? I don't let anything bother me. It's not that I'm shallow, like so many accuse me of. I'm a really enlightened guy, seriously. You see, this is how it works. I could be like everyone else, and be a slave to my emotions, get upset over things. And I'd spend the whole time wallowing in grief, depression and gods know what else.

No thanks. It's all about choice right? So I choose not to let life get me down. Okay, so I have no job, no home, no friends, and I'm stuck out here in the middle of one absolutely _huge_ pile of rubble. There's no one else around at all, except maybe a few corpses. And if there's anyone left alive out there, they're probably not going to be happy to see me. I don't think anyone involved with Shinra is going to be very popular anymore.

But, on the plus side, I'm still alive, and I've not been maimed or anything. I still have all my appendages, and if there's life out there, somewhere, then I'll think of something. Adaptability is the name of the game. That's always been my favourite quote, but I don't remember where I heard it. I think I might have made it up you know?

Anyway, my point here, somewhere, was that it's my own choice how I'm going to react to things. I choose to be optimistic, and to stay relaxed. If I didn't, I'd probably be some kind of quivering wreck by now. I've never had an easy life after all. Wait a moment. This is not the time to be thinking about that. Alright, think about something else.

Beer. Yeah, beer. Right, okay. So, if there's no one left in the world, that means all the beer's mine, doesn't it? Yeah! It's not like I'm going to obsess about this, but I need to think about something that's not going to depress me. It's when I'm isolated for any length of time that my whole philosophy of not getting upset over things tends to fall to pieces.

And things are starting to get to me, so I need to concentrate on the beer. Nice, cool, golden brown beer with that fuzzy cream froth on top, which I always draw a little smiley face in before I drink it. Stay happy. You know, this really isn't working. Thinking about beer only really works when alcohol is imminent. Which seems unlikely in the face of things.

I mean look at this. Charred, black rubble as far as I can see in all directions. How, exactly, did I manage to end up right in the goddamned _middle_ of this? We were aiming for the edge of Midgar, so how is it possible for me to be so utterly lost? No, I'm not lost. I don't get lost. I'm just not where I intended to be, and I'm going to change that.

Master of my surroundings you see. I don't like something, I change it. There's the enlightenment thing again, although that's not really the right word. Enlightenment makes me sound like I'm glowing or something. I'm smart, and I'm in control. That's the real explanation, isn't it? Alright, so maybe I act dumb sometimes, but I'm really a very smart guy. Maybe not in actually knowing about things. Like I don't understand any of the scientific junk Hojo used to do, and I couldn't tell you the life cycle of the Midgar Zolom. But I'm still smart alright? I can think my way out of problems, and that's what intelligence is for. Anyone can learn stuff. Very few can really think.

This is where I've got my advantage here. I'm the most intelligent person in the city right now. Alright, I'm probably the only one left alive, or close to it. But even so. I'm smart, I'm well trained, and I am _not_ under any circumstances, getting depressed about this whole thing. Okay? Have I made that clear enough yet?

Okay, so I'm going to admit, I don't like this situation much. Look at this. I never thought this would happen. I have to admit that at some point down the line, I realised Shinra was doomed, and it was at that point we decided to leave Midgar. Perhaps this was a case of a little lack in foresight from me. I never was very good at thinking too far ahead. I mean, I should have seen this coming a long time before I actually did. But I didn't, and because of that, Rude and Elena might well be dead.

Look, I thought I said I wasn't going to let myself get upset about this? I really should shut up now, but I get lonely, and right now, even my own thoughts are better company than the silence around me. Silence. That bothers me too. It kinda heightens the isolation, if you know what I mean? And my life has always been pretty isolated. That's why I need to find them. I need to find my friends. If I don't, I'm gonna go nuts.

And I got distracted again, didn't I? What I was trying to say, at looking around at all this utter crap, was that I used to enjoy those movies. You know the post-apoc ones, where the world ends and there's just a few survivors left. I used to think those were pretty cool. I'd always try to imagine what it'd be like, because when it comes down to it, I suppose my imagination is pretty active a lot of the time. But I have to admit I didn't think the end of the world would be quite like this.

In my imagination, I always had Rude and Elena around. And Tseng too, but he's been dead for a while. Elena thought I was very callous about that. She really never understood the extent of my enlightened glowy-ness. I did care, really, I did. But I couldn't start moping about, not when I was supposed to be the leader when he died. And if I was going to do my job, I couldn't let my emotions get in the way. The same as always. Maybe that's what bothered Elena, the fact that I didn't act any differently.

Neither did Rude though. He just stayed silent, as he so often did... _does_. They're both still alive alright? You see, Rude's probably pretty enlightened and glowy too, I reckon. We didn't talk about it much, because in talking about the things we ignored in life, it would have required thinking about them, and this was all about not letting stuff get to us. But, I think Rude's silence was his way of not thinking too deeply about life. Or maybe it was his way of thinking about it in a way he could deal with. Or something. I'm not sure I understand it. I don't like silence after all. I said that much already, didn't I?

What was I supposed to do though, when Tseng died? Cry like Elena did? Be weak like that? No, that's not me. I don't know if I really honoured Tseng's death like I should have, but there was no time, no chance. I never realised how much work Tseng actually did until it was all forced on me. Did the man ever get chance to sleep?

This is all getting pretty deep, isn't it now? See, I told you thinking about things wasn't good for me. I did say that, didn't I? I did say I was having trouble concentrating and saying focused. I'm not completely sure even about things I thought a few minutes ago, which is worrying. If there's anyone left alive out there, preferably someone with any knowledge of medicine, I'll get them to look at my head.

They'd probably try to cut it off though. If I can't find Rude and Elena, I'm seriously fucked. Because they're the only ones who know me. No one else in their right mind is going to trust a Turk, or give me a chance. No one much bothered the Turks before, not because they liked us, but because they were utterly terrified of us. Any idea how good that feeling of power is? I'm not that kinda guy, but I can feel it, even if I don't act on it. I like feeling powerful. But everyone does, don't they?

But now, how afraid are they going to be? A Turk without Shinra is just... well, a well trained thug I suppose. Except there's a difference. I'm a nice guy, really, I am. It was a job, that's all. A very nice well-paid job. And it's not like I had any guilt to worry about, since that's one of the things I refuse to let bother me.

That's not going to work in my favour now though, is it? The fact that I could just happily grin and joke about with Rude while killing someone. The fact that after dropping the Sector Seven Plate, I was still perfectly cheerful, if rather light-headed from blood loss. I wish I could remember the jokes I made about Strife's hair and sword. Apparently they were pretty funny.

And now I'm light-headed from having a great bit of metal falling on my head. I'm sure I said I wasn't letting myself get worried about a silly little thing like a blow to the head. I can't remember why I said that now. I'm sure it wasn't important. The thing is, I'm sufficiently not with it that anyone who can use a weapon with any skill wouldn't have a whole lot of trouble taking me out.

Which is exactly what I don't want. I don't want to die. I'm way too young for that, with far too many things I haven't done yet. So, how do I convince them to let me live? The word sorry, while seeming a valid option, would just sound hollow. Well, it would. I killed a lot of people, and all I can say is sorry? Somehow, that just doesn't cut it.

Hey, that was fairly lucid of me, wasn't it? That's pretty good, I guess. Maybe thinking isn't quite such an issue. Well, no, that's not it. I'm not thinking as such. This is about survival, and adaptability. That's what it's always been about, but it's so much more _intense_ now, so much closer to home. Or it would be closer to home if I had a home.

Heh heh heh. That was funny. I think. I'm laughing about it anyway, and the sound of that laughter seems to be echoing around me in the emptiness. It wasn't that funny, was it? I really don't like this empty silence thing, with nothing but the sound of my own thoughts to keep me company. I can't stay here. It's going to start getting to me. Where's the nearest town to Midgar? Where can I go?

Kalm. It's only a little village, but if anyone escaped Midgar, that's where they'll be going. Lets just hope this whole death, destruction and rubble thing only happened to this city. I really don't fancy the idea of being the only person left in the world. I will go insane. Seriously, I mean it.

Okay, so Kalm it is. Let's hope there's some people there, and hope they won't try to kill me, because I'm really not feeling up to fighting at the moment. I really just want to relax, and see if anything of the life I knew has survived. A familiar face or two. Even the sight of Strife would be a relatively welcome one. Then I can kick his spikey-headed ass. Yeah! I am so gonna kill him.

Oh. Wait a moment. Shit. That was the problem I was thinking about earlier, the one that's more important than my headache. How did I forget that? This really is a major problem, and I'm feeling it already. This isn't good. Alright, explanation time, in case I really do go insane, or get myself killed or something.

You see, Shinra always prized loyalty very highly. They didn't like people just walking off and quitting. Well, it hardly mattered for the normal employees. All the quiet little executives, and the receptionists I used to flirt with, and the people that did the maintenance work on the Reactors, and the accountants, and all those other minor, replaceable people, Shinra wasn't particularly worried about them leaving.

It was the more dangerous employees. The top executives that knew the classified stuff, and the scientists, and the first class SOLDIERs. Oh yeah, and the Turks. Turks that quit were a major problem, considering the expense involved in training a Turk. Right, so Shinra wanted complete loyalty okay? Now, how can you ensure complete loyalty in people who could be bribed with more money, or in the case of those like the Turks, might suddenly find morals, which can happen sometimes. There's nothing more pathetic than a Turk getting morals, believe me. It's quite a sad sight.

Not as pathetic a sight as what's going to happen to me sometime soon, and any of the other high ranked Shinra employees. It was an idea thought of by the last President, Rufus' father, an idea developed and instigated by Hojo. There's no better way of making sure everyone remains loyal than by making sure we're dependant on Shinra. Dependant is the right word too. Most of them have no idea what was happening, only just that feeling they needed Shinra.

But I know what's going on. Tseng told me. He said it was important to know. He told all of us. Naturally, we were angry about it, being such independent people. Turks are always independent you see. That's what makes us so good at what we do. I have no idea how Tseng found out about this stuff, but I'm glad he told us. Because now I can see what the problem is, even if there's not much I can do about it. I'll deal, that's what I'll do. I'll just deal with it, live through it, and not let it bother me.

Except it is bothering me. I can feel it, and I can't fight it, not very well. I'm too tired to remain properly in control, and this is going to cause me problems, especially if I actually make it to Kalm. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't properly explain, did I? Shinra used some form of chemical control to keep us loyal. And the thing about chemical control is it wouldn't be controlling us if it wasn't utterly addictive.

I'm seriously fucked, aren't I?

* * *

This was a bit of a minor rewrite, although you probably won't notice the changes. I corrected some spelling and grammatical issues, and added a sentence here and there. 

Chapter Two is going to be having a complete overhaul however, because I've decided I want to do this a different way. I may not even redo Chapter Two; instead, I may incorporate my ideas into a full story, with this as a companion piece and prologue. I have yet to decide. I have problems remaining focused on things for any length of time, so I may be restricted to one-shots for a while until I build my writing stamina.

Oh, and please review. Reviews make Ktrenal very happy and glowy.


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